This first quarter of 2024 has been wild to say the least. It has been one of the most trying times in ways and in some ways it has been the most life giving seasons I have ever experienced. Considering the life I have lived, mistakes I have made and trials God has brought me through, my previous statement is saying a lot.

December of 2023 we made our annual trip home to visit and enjoy Christmas together with our extended family. For the past couple of years my wife has been faced with multiple health issues, mainly an autoimmune disease. In November of 2023, during a routine check up a doctor found a uterine fibroid in my wife. It grew to the size of a baseball rapidly. Upon returning to our home in January of this year, her monthly bleeding started heavier than normal. Little did we know that the bleeding would continue for the next 100+ days with little to no relief. From January to April 19th we made three ER trips, she had to receive 8 units of blood in order to not bleed out, too many iron transfusions to keep up with. By March she could no longer keep up with her job, so she attempted to go on short term disability. The Insurance never processed so it never kicked in for support, but her work continued to pay her base salary the entire next 2 and a half months. I was fearing for my wife’s life constantly, juggling caring for her, our two children, schooling for our oldest, our pets and everything else that she could no longer do. I have never been stretched that way. Every night there was a fear lurking in my subconscious; Will she be here when I wake next? Are we going to have to go to the ER in the middle of the night? Can I do this without her? Am I capable of being a single dad right now? God please do not let her leave right now. These fears were constantly taunting my mind. There was no way I could function but for the grace of God. You see, I am in recovery and have been struggling with a life threatening disease myself for 15 years now. I have been seeking freedom on and off for the past 10 years. I have succeeded at times and I have horribly blown it countless times. Little did I realize my own self hatred and self loathing killing me under the surface driving the addictions that everyone else could see. Many times in high stress situations in the past I have relapsed and ran back to addiction. Opiates have been my kryptonite and with out the help I have received I would most definitely be dead right now, my wife a widow and my children fatherless. I am so thankful for the life Jesus has given me. I am so grateful that I have a chance to live for Him and help others to freedom. I do not deserve it, this past week I have been weeping because now I can see His salvation and how much greater He is compared to our own attempts to run away. His life swallows our death. My wife had surgery April 19th and it felt like the longest wait in the world getting her to that date. I have seen God heal the sick and work wonders, but it was as if my prayers were powerless in the face of the death now knocking at my wife’s door. Thankfully He always hears us. We made it to the surgery with her still living. I was so anxious while I waited during her procedure for 3+ hours to remove her fibroid. The surgery was successful. Her recovery has been a success so far as well. I am watching life come back into her face. I see the confusion and fear leave my daughters faces. I am grateful in a way I am not sure how to express yet.

The point of all of this is that you would think that I would be beat down and fragile right now, not to say that I haven’t been processing some pretty intense fears and emotions, but I feel more alive and free right now, than I ever have before. The little, petty things do not eat at me as they did before. I see Him in a way I never did before. He has been there at every point. He has not let me go and believe me I have tried so hard to run from Him. At my darkest point, and my deepest self loathing, He saw me and still chose me. At times when we see Him the most is in the battle, in the wilderness. He draws us out to Him all alone and He reveals His love to us when we have no where to run, no one to cling to. There is hope and life to be found in the trials and tribulations. He is there with you right now. Wherever you are He is near. Turn to Him, cry out and make room for Him, He is better than you think He is. Thank you for taking time to read this. I pray that you find strength in whatever it is that you are facing.

Sincerely,

Justin Maresca